By Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood 

“We should accept that what is forbidden in Islam is seeking privacy with someone of the opposite sex without a third party present… What we need is firstly to recognise that there is nothing at all wrong with young people meeting in situations where intimacy cannot occur because of witnesses; and secondly to create occasions in which they can meet safely in halal ways, so that they CAN get to know each other.”
 

I am commencing this article with a quotation of a passage that seems to me typical of the writings on and expectations of Muslim marriage in the minds of authors.

‘A healthy marriage is based on strong iman (faith) and strong taqwa (fear of God). Because the couple unites for the sake and love of God, they are able to make decisions and resolve problems based upon this commitment. Fikr (reflection) and dhikr (remembrance) of God are a regular part of the marriage. The couple keeps their obligations to God and remembers Him often, even in their most intimate affairs. They reflect on what He has given them and on ways to improve their relationship with Him and thus with each other. The couple not only strives in the cause of God but are also knowledgeable of their own and each other’s rights, roles and responsibilities in a healthy marriage. The spouses honour and ensure that each other’s rights are fulfilled and they work together to develop a strong Islamic personality. Both have realistic expectations of each other and of the marriage, and they practise good communication skills, engage in mutual consultation, and are calm tempered. Honesty, trustworthiness, humility, and a willingness to co-operate and compromise, help to build a strong relationship; reliance on the Qur’an and Sunnah for decision making are essential.’

Khurshid Ahmad, quoted by Aneesah Nadir in Islam in America, Images and Challenges, University of Indianapolis Press, Editor – Phylis Lan Lin, 1998, p.131.

What could any potential Muslim spouse say to such a description but ‘Yes, please!’ And what might any Muslim struggling with the actualities of marriage comment but ‘If only!’

The very same article, an excellent one, also made the frightening point that marriage and family as the foundation of Islamic society seems to be crumbling. Divorce and marital discord are reaching epidemic proportions, with perhaps 60% of new marriages ending in divorce within the first year. Canny wedding-gift givers are beginning to wonder whether one should not wait to see if the marriage lasts five years before giving the gift.

Shahina Siddiqui of the Manitoba Islamic Association commented that individuals entering marriage neither practice forbearance nor patience, and do not commit themselves to each other for the sake of God. On the other hand, many have subconsciously adopted an attitude of self-sacrifice at the expense of their own emotional or physical wellbeing, creating a dysfunctional family possibly quite unaware that this is not the Islamic way.

There are all sorts of suggested reasons for the large numbers of mariage failures, and I would just like to consider a couple.

Firstly, I have a sneaking feeling that a vast number of Muslim boy-children are spoiled rotten, under-disciplined in matters of helping out in the home and taking responsibility for the household wellbeing, and treat their mothers like personal servants. At the same time, they no doubt adore their mothers, particularly the fact that they are waited on, their every need is seen to perhaps at the expense of the needs of others, and they develop a great love for their mother’s cooking.

This leads to immediate conflict when marrying a girl brought up in the West, for she will have been led to expect independence, equal treatment, responsibility, freedom of expression and the like, and will probably not have mastered much in the way of cookery skills. She may well expect to be a doctor or engineer, and not a housewife. Consequently, she will not appreciate a husband who is totally inept in the household, or who has no intention of helping out even though she may be working equal hours outside the home and be exhausted when she comes in. At the same time, he will not appreciate a wife who may never be able to cook like his mother.

We have a big problem here. When a husband starts comparing a wife to his mother, it is the wife who usually comes off worst. Someone once said, a man can have a hundred women, but he only has one mother. Mother is an enormous figure of power, and she often plays the role to the full with her son once he marries, even if she had no luck with her husband and was never much more than a drudge to him. She may do this, consciously or unconsciously, by dominating not her son but his wife. In the worst scenario, a husband may get so fed up with his wife that he really yearns to be back with his mother again. In a battle of wills, the wife often loses.

Here’s another massive problem. Our Muslim youngsters go to school on the whole with non-Muslim friends and colleagues and teachers, and inter-act freely and happily with most of them. When they have friends of the opposite sex, they are almost always non-Muslims. Why? Because there is no stigma whatsoever at the school in thus mixing freely and exchanging views and feelings – but there is enormous suspicion placed upon young Muslim men and women who try to mix freely and exchange views as friends.